


Arthur and Eames watch Eurovision

by involuntaryorange



Category: Inception (2010)
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Eurovision, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-22
Updated: 2015-07-17
Packaged: 2018-03-31 18:40:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 13,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3988591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/involuntaryorange/pseuds/involuntaryorange
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Does what it says on the tin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to do something silly and fun and relatively low-pressure (read: plot-free), and I also wanted to finally expose myself to the bizarre wonderland that is Eurovision, so here we go. This will be Arthur's and Eames's commentary as they watch the Grand Final; one country per chapter, and I'm hoping to get one chapter up a day although I may fail in that goal.
> 
> This doesn’t take place in any specific universe, though nothing says it can’t be Breaking News Arthur and Eames. I expect it will be possible to read the finished work as either pre-slash or established relationship, though who knows where I’ll be going with this?

“I’m back! And just in time.”

“Why do you have two six-packs of Mike’s Hard Lemonade in your hands and a shit-eating grin on your face?”

“It’s Eurovision, pet.”

“I don’t know what that means.”

“For _shame_ , Arthur. Have I taught you nothing? No, don’t actually think about it, that was a rhetorical question.”

“Fine. What’s Eurovision?”

“Only the _most important television event of the year_.”

“That’s not an answer, y’know.”

“It may be the only answer I can give. Eurovision transcends explanation.”

“Try harder.”

“All right. Let’s see, how can I put this in terms a Yank would understand. It’s like… Miss Universe, yeah? But instead of women in bikinis, it’s songs. Sometimes performed by women in bikinis, I’ll grant you.”

“It’s… a song contest.”

“Yes, and each one is from a different country in the EU.”

“Ah. Two questions: why does this exist, and why are you watching it?”

“Answer one: to build international unity, and to give ex-pats an excuse to get pissed at 3pm. Answer two: _I’m_ not watching it, _we’re_ watching it. You think I was planning to drink all this Mike’s Hard Lemonade by myself?”

“There’s no way I’m getting out of this, is there.”

“Not a chance, love. Now shove over and make room; it’s about to start.”

 


	2. Slovenia

“…We’re not off to a very reassuring start here, Eames.”

“Oh, come on.”

“She has _sexy baby voice_.”

“Well, don’t let Slovenia color your judgment of the entire contest. Apparently inside-the-ear audio technology has not reached their society yet. Oh, look, a woman in a glittery unitard was hiding in the shadows.”

“I hate it when that happens.”

“She is here to do interpretive dance.”

“Where did those hands on the piano come from?”

“The guy with an M shaved into the side of his head. I presume the M stands for ‘music.’”

“Listening to this woman sing makes my throat hurt.”

“I think she agrees with you. Oh, never mind, she’s putting her hand meaningfully over her heart.”

“Is unitard woman playing _air_ _violin_?”

“Hmmm, sounds more like air fiddle to me.”

“The piano player doesn’t seem to be doing much actual piano playing.”

“He’s borrowing the air fiddler’s approach and playing the air drums.”

“Then they probably shouldn’t have put him _at the piano_.”

"Air drum kits are  _expensive_."

“Is it just me or is this song a little repetitive?”

“You may need to lower your expectations for songcraft, love, if you're going to enjoy this.”

“I believe you mean my expectations will have to go down, down low.”

“Hmm, it’s very windy in that theatre. I’m concerned that Miss Slovenia is going to blow away.”

“Is this seriously that woman’s only role? Writhing around pretending her left arm is a violin?”

“Hey, it’s a job.”

“Do you think her parents wanted her to play the actual violin and now they’re really disappointed in her?”

“Oh my god. Arthur.”

“What??”

“Do you think she might be playing _an actual invisible violin_? Oh, look, the piano player just winked at you.”

“…I’m going to need something much stronger than Mike’s Hard Lemonade if I’m going to get through this whole show. How long _is_ the show, anyway? They seemed to be introducing a lot of countries at the beginning.”

“Yes, there are 27 finalists this year.”

“…Eames, how long is this show.”

“Oh, you know. A few hours.”

“A few as in three?”

“Ahem. Maybe a couple more than that.”

“Please tell me you have some whiskey hidden away somewhere. Oh, thank god, the song is over.”

“What’s your verdict on Slovenia, then?”

“Sounds like something that would play on the radio, but not in a good way. I think it would reach peak listenability on its second play-through and there would be a sharp decline from then on. What about you?”

“I’m not sure, but I want to get a pint with the singer. She looks like someone who would be fun at a bar.”

“And you could bring crazy dancing lady along in case a bar fight breaks out.”

“Oh, good call. I bet she can kick really high.”

“And her costume is covered with broken-glass-deflecting spangles.” 

“But the piano player stays home.”

“Agreed.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if it would be helpful to use different formatting for Arthur's and Eames's lines, in case it's hard to figure out who's speaking.


	3. France

“Well, this looks cheerful.”

“Oh, gutsy move, singing a ballad in French. I guess they’ve decided to take the complete opposite tack from last year.”

“Why, what did they do last year?”

“A high-energy pop song about mustaches.”

“About _what_?”

“Mustaches.”

“That’s what I _thought_ you said.” 

“So this year they’ve switched gears and entered a ballad about… war, I guess.”

“What’s with this imagery? Did France turn into a third-world country recently and I just haven’t heard about it?”

“What’s she saying, anyway, _Monsieur_ Arthur?”

“She’s complaining about the giant killer lizard that rampaged through her city.”

“Seriously?”

“No, she’s talking about losing her village to war and building it back up again. What is that, a plastic bag?”

“I think it’s a bird.”

“It’s a _lot_ of birds.”

“They really need to do something about the dove infestation in post-WWII Normandy.”

“Maybe the doves are what destroyed the city.”

“This city has really gone… _to the birds_.”

“Ugh, Eames. Puns are the only thing that could make this worse.”

“Oh, sudden appearance of drummers. Both real and virtual.”

“I feel like the backup army of virtual drummers only serves to emphasize how few real drummers there are. Also, what are they _wearing_?”

“Flesh-toned onesies?” 

“Are they supposed to be _naked_ drummers?”

“Maybe that’s what the French army uniform looks like.”

“Like a nude bodysuit?”

“Maybe it’s a sort of camouflage.”

“It would only be good camouflage at an _orgy_.”

“Well, I don’t know what French military training is like!”

“Maybe the naked onesies are supposed to be conspicuously _non_ -threatening. Like, ‘oh, we’re not here to invade you, we’re just taking off our clothes and wailing on some drums, Matthew McConaughey-style.’” 

“Oh look, she righted the telephone poles with the power of her voice.”

“And she’s refoliating the trees.”

“That’s quite a powerful voice she has there. Oh, the climactic finish. What did you think?”

“Um… it was pretty boring, and it seems a little tone deaf for _France_ of all countries to be singing a song about emerging from the rubble of war. I mean, isn’t _Serbia_ here?”

“Eh, the song was fine but there’s no chance it’ll win. A lackluster submission.”

“What was that you were saying about a mustache song?”

“Pass me my mobile, I’ll call it up on YouTube.”


	4. Israel

“Since when is Israel part of the European Union?”

“The global politics of Eurovision are complex and Byzantine, pet.”

“Israel is going for R&B, apparently?”

“I think someone may have broken his heart.”

“Oh, and he’s going to solve the problem by dancing on the floor. As opposed to, I guess, dancing in mid-air.”

“Surprise backup dancers!”

“This has suddenly turned into an ’NSYNC performance.”

“At least it isn’t a ballad.”

“Those guys are dancing like a bunch of toddlers hopped up on Pixy Stix.”

“I don’t know what that is, but I assume it’s some sort of sweet. American sweets have the strangest names.”

“This coming from someone whose country markets a candy bar that explicitly forbids women from eating it. Are they doing the _Hammer Dance_ in the background?”

“They have the trousers for it.”

“Wait, now it sounds like Israeli folk music.”

“Indeed it does. You will soon discover that there is an informal ‘three genre shifts per song’ minimum at Eurovision.”

“Here’s what I don’t get.”

“There’s only one thing about this that you don’t get?”

“Fine, here’s one of the many things I don’t get. What, exactly, is the objective of this contest? Is it creating the universally best song? Or is it about representing your country in song form?”

“I’m pretty sure even the show-runners don’t know the answer to that question.”

“What is the deal with that guy’s sneakers?”

“He’s a golden boy, you see.”

“That’s kind of a weird label, but I’m going to assume I’m lacking the appropriate cultural context.”

“This is Eurovision; it could just be weird.”

“For someone whose entire song is about dancing, he isn’t a very good dancer.”

“Well, his backup is enthusiastic enough to compensate.”

“What’s with the dropped-crotch pants, anyway? They’re really spoiling the view here.”

“I think the bloke in the black shirt might be fit, but they’re moving around too quickly for me to tell.”

“How about the main guy?”

“Mm, he has stage presence, but he doesn’t appear to have a neck.”

“I’d probably bone him.”

“ _Really_.”

“I mean, I’d feel ashamed afterwards. But yeah.”

“I have the feeling I’m going to learn all sorts of new things about you today.”

“Wait, why did it end with a photograph like an eighties teen movie? They didn’t do that for the previous two, did they?”

“It’s best not to ask ‘why’ about these things, love. Verdict on Israel?”

“It’s the best one so far, although that’s not saying much.”

“A solid entrant, though probably too generic to win.”

“Also, what was that thing he said about three minutes?”

“The songs are limited to three minutes in length.”

“These have each only been _three minutes_? I feel like I’ve already watched The Godfather.”

“We still have a way to go, I’m afraid.”

“Pass me another drink.”


	5. Estonia

“All right, Estonia, show us your best.”

“They seem to be going for a Johnny Cash aesthetic. And a... Wallflowers sound?”

“I’m pretty sure he isn’t really playing that guitar.”

“What was your first clue, that his strumming doesn’t match up with the sound or that the guitar is clearly not plugged in?”

“Oh, he’s kind of cute.”

“Did he just say he smiled to the dog?”

“That’s what I heard, too.”

“So this song just consists of this guy describing his morning.”

“Next up: what he had for breakfast.”

“With a detailed account of his debate between a croissant and a muffin.”

“Oooh, surprise lady! With surprise boobs.”

“They really like their dramatic entrances on Eurovision, don’t they.”

“Oh, you have _no idea_.”

“Is she going to tell us about her morning routine as well?”

“I think she is going to offer a rebuttal of his version of events.”

“She doesn’t look happy. Probably he wasn’t supposed to smile at the dog.”

“I think I might love this woman. She’s fabulous.”

“She’s working that jumpsuit.”

“She’s really putting him to shame in the emoting department.”

“Yeah, what’s with his expression? He looks like he’s reading a mildly amusing comic strip. ‘Oh, that Marmaduke!’”

“You should try that haircut, darling.”

“I’m worried that the left side of my head would always be cold.”

“Oh, his guitar just changed from playing the acoustic part to the electric part. That’s impressive.”

“So I get that she’s saying he should have woken her up, but what I don’t understand is whether that’s because she has feelings for him or because she would have liked to have personally kicked him out.”

“I think she wanted a chance to salvage their relationship.”

“Wait, they were in a relationship? He broke up with her by just randomly sneaking out one morning?”

“ _And_ he left her with the dog, apparently.”

“Jumpsuit woman, you are too good for that guy.”

“Take your dramatic eye makeup and find someone with less asymmetrical hair.”

“I’m surprised he isn’t also ‘playing’ the violin part on his unplugged guitar.”

“Well, that would just be _ridiculous_.”

“I’d do him, though.”

“Oh, definitely. I’d do both of ‘em.” 

“Together or separately?”

“Separately, of course. Wouldn’t want to get caught in the crossfire of whatever is going on between the two of them.”

“Is she— is that a _tear_ rolling down her cheek?”

“I _think_ it’s just an odd reflection? No, you’re right, that is definitely a tear.”

“Boy, she’s really going for it.”

“Wait, where did the bloke go??”

“I guess he said goodbye to yesterday.”

“But he’s still singing! Oh my god, darling, _was he a ghost this entire time?_ ”

“Sure, let’s go with that. It would explain his total lack of affect.”

“Well, that was… a song.”

“Ten points to her for effort, negative five points to him for being slightly off key and looking like he was about to fall asleep the entire time.”

“Seven points to the fake shadows being projected on the floor.”

“Twenty points to alcohol.”

“I’ll drink to that.”


	6. United Kingdom

 

“Oh, the pressure’s on, Eames.”

“I have complete and utter faith in my homeland.”

“…”

“…”

“Eames. What the fuck is this.”

“I… I have no idea.”

“Just… what the fuck _is_ this.”

“I think I had a nightmare like this once.”

“It’s like… honky tonk… plus disco… plus hipster indie folk… and they’re dressed like they’re from the 1920s. What _is_ this.”

“It’s… postmodern bricolage?”

“Welcome to the United Kingdom, where we co-opt classic American music genres and smash them together to create a grotesque Frankenstein’s monster of cloying cutesiness.” 

“Oi, let’s not forget where America’s precious ‘rock music’ comes from.”

“Seriously? You want to get into this with me?”

“If the alternative is actually paying attention to this song…”

“What the fuck? This just turned into Tron?”

“Oh dear god.”

“Is there some kind of epidemic of LSD use in the UK these days? Because that would explain a lot.”

“Maybe someone slipped _us_ LSD.”

“Also, he’s being very controlling. She’s not allowed to go out at night?”

“Or during the day, apparently, because she could catch a nasty disease.”

“This is not a good model for a relationship.”

“Well, perhaps he has a reason to be concerned that we don’t know about.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, maybe she has a habit of licking random objects.”

“So you’re suggesting that this song is actually about how to love a woman with pica.”

“It could be?”

“I want to punch everyone involved in the making of this song.”

“Try as they might, the background dancers are not doing enough to distract from the music.”

“They would have to detonate a small nuclear weapon in order to be distracting enough.”

“Now _that_ would be an interesting Eurovision.”

“Oh god, now he’s doing a Louis Armstrong voice. Seriously, could your country be trying any harder to be American right now?”

“You are being weirdly nationalistic, darling.”

“Isn’t that the whole point of this thing?”

“Fair enough.”

“I’m willing to bet that these two would be _unbearable_ to hang out with.”

“They use baby talk with each other in front of company.”

“They feed each other food with their fingers.”

“They co-run an Etsy shop that sells ‘love plaques’ made out of reclaimed wood.”

“And if you ask them what a ‘love plaque’ is, they just look at you with condescending pity because clearly _you must not know real love_.”

“Well, whatever else one might say about this, it’s certainly high-energy.”

“These people need to go back to YouTube, where they belong. Oh thank god, it’s over.”

“Not a fan?”

“It was terrible. It was terrible, and you should feel ashamed.”

“You’re being uncharitable. It was only mildly bad.”

“Eames. It may be the worst thing I’ve ever heard. And I’ve heard my parents having sex.”

“All right, fine, it was awful. But Eurovision songs are _supposed_ to be awful. You’re getting entirely the wrong impression from this year’s entrants.”

“These entrants haven’t been awful?”

“Darling, you have _no idea_.”


	7. Armenia

 

“Time for Armenia. A country you’re _sure_ you’ve heard about in some context, but about which you cannot recall a single thing.”

“I think I may have eaten some Armenian food once. Whoa, that guy looks like he’s about to bust out some magic tricks.”

“He’s violating me with his eyes.”

“Why is this woman smiling so much while singing about life feeling unfair?”

“Oh, and another woman. It’s like a singing relay.”

“Well, this woman probably should have been left on the bench.” 

“At least she isn’t smiling inappropriately. Oh, and now there’s a woman with a forehead necklace. It’s like they’re performing in order of increasing drama.”

“This woman clearly thinks she’s Celine Dion.”

“Fun fact: Celine Dion won Eurovision.”

“She _did_? But she’s from Canada!”

“Switzerland brought in a ringer.”

“Nothing about this makes sense.”

“Look, they’ve brought out the smoke machine.”

“Old school. Wait, didn’t this start out as a song about being true to yourself? But now it turns out that what you’re not supposed to deny is ‘you and I.’”

“It’s against Eurovision policy to have a song that doesn’t allude to love. It’s like having an action movie without a hot babe for the protagonist to screw to prove his heterosexuality.”

“And why is the backdrop a scary forest?”

“Oh, surprise fourth lady!”

“And surprise second dude.”

“Wow, I thought the _first_ bloke was dramatic.”

“Is he wearing, like, a… suit-cape hybrid?”

“Is that not all over the runways in Milan this year?”

“I have to admit I find all of these accents charming. I think some of them just memorized the lyrics phonetically.”

“Oooh, the forest just got a lot spookier.”

“I’m a little concerned that I’m being inducted into an Armenian cult right now.”

“Rule one of Armenian cult: you must wear a cape. Rule two of Armenian cult: you cannot deny you and I.”

“This is a _really_ weird assortment of people. A magician, an opera singer, a Celine Dion, a hot girl who can’t actually sing, random dude whose sleeves got sliced open in some sort of accident…”

“It’s like the premise for a really bad sex farce. Speaking of which…?”

“No, none of them.”

“Yeah, neither would I. I _would_ like to counsel that last woman on starting a solo career. Right now she’s being overshadowed by fake Celine Dion.”

“So was that up to Eurovision’s usual standard of weirdness?”

“Hmmm. The scenery-chewing was impressive, but the overall aesthetic was much too sedate. If you’re going to go with all-black costumes in a spooky forest, you really need to go full goth. Maybe get someone in a gimp suit to play an electric guitar solo.”

“In the future, if you ever try to bring up Europe’s ‘thousands of years of culture,’ I will be pointing back to precisely this moment as my rebuttal.”

“Fair enough. And what did you think of Armenia’s performance?”

“It felt like I was watching a community theater production of Rent.”

“…Yeah, that’s pretty much spot-on.”


	8. Lithuania

 

“Well, _this_ is a complete 180 from Armenia’s goth love anthem.”

“Hello, Lithuanian Figure-Skating Barbie. Oh, what a surprise, it’s a duet.”

“Aww, look at his little face! He’s adorable!”

“…Yeah, he really is.”

“Look at his powder blue suit!”

“I approve of the tailoring of those pants.”

“Mm, you would know.”

“That’s right, I would. ...Eurovision isn’t very epileptic-friendly, is it, with all these flashing lights.”

“I’m pretty sure people with epilepsy know not to turn on the television in the months directly preceding and following Eurovision.”

“This song also involves a lot of spinning.”

“Well, you know, the Lithuanians are known for their spinning.”

“Are they?”

“They could be. I don’t know much about Lithuania.”

“Based on this admittedly small sample size, Lithuanians are attractive and very upbeat.”

“I’m trying to find something to make fun of here, but I’m failing.”

“Hm?”

“Oh my god, Arthur, you _like this one_.”

“I do not!”

“You’re tapping your feet!”

“Shut up.”

“Does that seem like something I’m likely to do?”

“This had better not shift genres into, like, a funeral dirge or something.”

“I doubt it. This song is the musical equivalent of sticking your face in a fuzzy kitten belly.”

“Whoa! Did you see that?”

“Now _that_ is a big ‘piss off’ to Russia.”

“I’m pretty sure the lead guy would have rather been kissing one of the male backup dancers as well.”

“I don’t know, they’re doing a rather convincing job of groping one another.”

“Yeah, but… look at him.”

“Fair point.”

“Aw, his accent! Wait, why doesn’t he have a Lithuanian accent when he’s singing?”

“Ah, pet, you’ve unearthed yet another of the Great Eurovision Mysteries. Going for crowd involvement, good call.”

“I bet there’s one miserable guy in the middle of the crowd steadfastly refusing to raise his hand.”

“More spinning and singing about love, and… we reach the end. Verdict?”

“Well, it was a little poppy…”

“Arthur.”

“Fine, I thought it was charming. I liked the song. I liked the singers. I liked the dancing. I even liked the light show. Are you happy now?”

“Unbearably so.”

“You’re unbearably _something_.”


	9. Serbia

“Serbia!"

“What was Eurovision like when Yugoslavia still existed?"

"Much shorter. Oh, a dramatic start."

“I can already tell she’s badass.”

“Serving up Ren Faire fabulousness.”

“Her afro is very sparkly. I bet she’ll still be finding glitter in her hair six months from now.”

“Oh lord, I still find glitter in my car upholstery from that time we went to the strip club.”

“That was a _year_ ago. And I would very much like to forget that that evening happened.”

“So would I, but I keep getting out of my car covered in bloody glitter!”

“Wait, is this entire song _about_ the fact that she’s fat? Why couldn’t she, y’know, be fat and sing a song that was unrelated to that fact?”

“You’re expecting too much of the world again, love.”

“And what’s with the albino plague doctors doing color guard in the background?”

“The flags are different colors, and that’s okay?”

“This is a very straightforward song. Which isn’t a criticism, just… it doesn’t really match up with the avant garde presentation, does it?”

“She's already halfway through the song and she hasn’t mentioned love yet. Very strange.”

“Now they’re… hand-dancing? Do they think they’re conducting an orchestra?”

“They’re not singing, they can’t dance… what exactly were they hired for, I wonder? Do you think they won some sort of write-in contest?”

“They’re taking their masks off… and their capes…”

“Oh, look, they’re _all_ different!”

“And that’s okay.”

“That bloke is different because he crawls on all fours like a demented crab.”

“And this guy is different because he doesn’t finish putting his clothes on properly.”

“She’s different because she’s goth.”

“She’s different because she has a congenital inability to determine how much fringe is _too_ much fringe.”

“This singer should give the woman from Slovenia some singing tips.”

“I know it’s the point, but I am genuinely bothered by the fact that there’s no logic to their costumes.”

“It looks as though they just selected five random people from a fancy dress party.”

“A fancy dress party?”

“Yes, a party where people wear costumes.”

“You call that a _fancy dress party_? Oh my god, that’s the most British thing I’ve ever heard.”

“What do _you_ call it?”

“A costume party. You know, because people wear _costumes_ to it. Not _top hats and spats_.”

“What if you’re dressing up like Mr. Peanut?”

“I would not call a Mr. Peanut costume ‘fancy.’”

“The term of course employs the _original_ definition of ‘fancy,’ which began as a contraction of ‘fantasy.’ Not my fault if you don’t speak the English language properly.”

“If by _original_ you mean _archaic_ , I accept your premise.”

“This conversation has really gotten away from us. The song ended two minutes ago.”

“I got the general gist of the song, but I’m still not sure what ‘beauty never lies’ means.”

“Attractive people are more honest than unattractive ones. That’s why you’re so trustworthy.”

“Pretty sure that’s not what they were going for.”

“Anyway, it was a serviceable entry, and the voters always love a self-esteem anthem, but it lacked the ‘oomph’ of a real winner.”

“Liked the singer, hated the backup dancers. Already forgot which country it was.”


	10. Norway

“‘A Monster Like Me,’ eh? That sounds promising.”

“Life tip: If you preface a statement by saying ‘I’m telling the truth,’ you probably aren’t.”

“Oh, he did something terrible.” 

“In his _early youth_. Like, as a toddler?”

“I think ‘youth’ means adolescence in this context.”

“Ugh, what is with you and obscure meanings of words today? _Aha_ , he just said he was ‘just a little boy’!” 

“He means that _metaphorically_. Because he _lost control_.”

“It really sounds like he went into some kind of psychotic fugue state. I wonder what he did that was so terrible.”

“Perhaps he drove his car through an orphanage.”

“Maybe he wrote this song.”

“Oooh, _dis_.”

“If he’s so concerned that he’s not good enough for her because of his mysterious evil deed, then why did he start dating her in the first place?”

“Perhaps we’ll find that out in a later verse. Oh, or maybe starting to date her _was_ the terrible thing he did!”

“How paradoxical.”

“Oh yeah, he looks like a real _monster_.”

“It’s weird; he’s more attractive with the microphone in front of his mouth, but there’s nothing _wrong_ with his mouth.” 

“Surprise girlfriend! Good, we get her perspective too.”

“I can already tell that she is _way_ too good for him.”

“I believe this bloke is Norway’s answer to James Blunt.”

“And she’s like a hybrid of Lorde and Florence of Florence and the Machine.”

“That hair ornament makes her look like she’s turning into the Borg.”

“That may be the nerdiest thing I’ve ever heard you say.”

“Does it turn you on?”

“Wait, now they’re singing to each other. Who gave whom up?”

“That’s not an answer to my question.”

“Why are they both singing the same pronouns? That makes _no_ sense.”

“Fine, I’ll let you change the subject. Note how magnanimous I am being.”

“Noted. What’s the deal with this trend of dresses that look like they’re made out of posterboard?”

“I think it’s very tasteful midriff exposure.”

“Oh, I don’t have a problem with the midriff, it just must be weird to not have your clothes actually touching your skin.”

“Well, you—”

“Can we just _imagine_ that you made a comment about the fit of my suits here and save you the effort of actually making it?”

“You know me so well, darling.”

“Is this interlude meant to be a metaphor for sex?”

“If it is, it’s not a metaphor for _good_ sex.”

“Whatever it was, they seem to have come to terms over their past differences.”

“No, I think they’re just agreeing all the more strenuously that they need to break up.”

“So are we just never going to find out what he did in his youth that was so terrible?”

“Maybe there are hints in the lyrics. Perhaps when he says she thought he was a prince, he means it literally. When he was a child he killed the prince and took his place!”

“I think that’s the interpretation we’ll have to go with. Eurovision, as written by the Grimm Brothers.”

“Well, that was a big old yawn.”

“Yeah, I think I’ve already forgotten the song.”

“They should’ve worn Viking helmets. That would have spiced up their performance a bit.”

“You should be, like, a Eurovision advisor.”

“Why thank you, Arthur. I agree.”


	11. Sweden

 

“Back-to-back Scandinavian countries? The competition is on.”

“It’s a shame Finland isn’t here. I’m sure they would have done something suitably insane. Oh, _hello_ , biceps.”

“ _Hello_ , leather pants.”

“Sweden is off to a strong start.”

“Clearly socialized medicine has worked out well for this guy.”

“It appears to have given him magical hands.”

“What the hell is _that_ thing?”

“Have you never seen a Swede before, darling?”

“Shut up, you know what I was talking about. It reminds me of the Timbertoes.”

“The timberwhats?”

“Never mind, you had to be a child in pre-1990s America. Suffice it to say, they were the worst part of _Highlights_ magazine.”

“‘Sing it like a hummingbird’? Has he ever heard a hummingbird sing? It sounds like a squeak toy being chewed on by a dog. Not exactly compelling.”

“Okay, if that… _thing_ inflated that balloon using his lungs, it would _not_ float.”

“Perhaps he’s a sentient tank of helium. That thing on top of his head is a valve.”

“Well if _that_ were the case, then the total buoyancy of the balloon/man system wouldn’t change enough to make a difference, and so he _still_ wouldn’t float away.”

“You may be applying too much logic to this cartoon, darling. Oh, he has a nice face as well.”

“I’d need to see him with his shirt off to know for sure.”

“To know for sure if he has a nice face?”

“I’m very thorough in my research. You know that.”

“Look, his feet are magical too.”

“I think it’s safe to assume that all of his appendages are magical. Did this just go disco?”

“This bloke does know how to work an audience.”

“The lyrics are a little pandering, aren’t they? ‘We’re heroes, we’re so awesome, blah blah blah, look at me in my leather pants, and my stupid little animated friend, who is also a hero despite being two-dimensional and too light to weigh down a small balloon.’”

“You’re very fixated on those leather trousers. Are you trying to tell me something?”

“Your pants are so poorly tailored, I hate to think how many cows would have to give their lives for you to have leather pants.”

“If you wanted me to wear tighter trousers, love, all you had to do was ask.”

“Ugh, now there’s an entire _army_ of Timbertoes.”

“The choreography is impressive.”

“But _why_? I mean, think of all the better things they could have spent that time choreographing.”

“Like a stripper routine.”

“Nah, leather pants may be hot, but the process of removing them is _not_ sexy. It involves a lot of… yanking.”

“And you know this from experience?”

“None of your business.”

“Still, removing the trousers would allow us to find out whether _all_ of his appendages are magical. If you know what I mean.”

“Stop waggling your eyebrows, obviously I know what you mean. What are those red lights? Are those laser sights? Is there about to be a cartoon massacre?”

“Now _that_ would be an unexpected genre shift.”

“Oh, never mind, it’s just a visual metaphor for, like, their heroism exploding out of their bodies and flooding the world.”

“Whose giant face is that? Is it his?”

“This is reminding me of that scene in The Lion King.”

“Don’t bring up that movie! You know it makes me cry.”

“Jesus, I just mentioned the _title_. It’s not like I started describing the scene after the stampede where Simba—“

“LALALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU oh, thank you, cameraman, for that final extreme closeup of the singer’s face.”

“They know their audience.”

“As does Sweden. That was a contender right there.”

“The lyrics made no sense!”

“But they were generically empowering with a hint of angst, and the performance was gimmicky without _seeming_ gimmicky. And biceps.”

“And leather pants.”

“Yes, and leather pants.” 


	12. Cyprus

“Cyprus is a separate country?”

“You learn all sorts of interesting things when you watch Eurovision.”

“Am I getting a migraine or is this in black and white?”

“It is indeed in black and white. I can already tell that this is going to be hideously boring.”

“Why is it black and white and all fifties-looking when the song is pure nineties ballad?”

“The early nineties have finally reached Cyprus, and they don’t know what to do with it.”

“He’s contradicting himself. First he said he always did everything for her, and now he’s saying there’s something he should have done. So clearly he didn’t do _everything_ for her.”

“Well, it’s an ambiguous assertion, yeah? It could also mean that everything he did, he did for her.”

“Then why didn’t he say that?”

“Because then Cyprus would have been sued by Bryan Adams.”

“What do you think is the one thing he should have done?”

“Used protection? Not run over her dog with his car?”

“The one thing he should have done was _not_ run over her dog with his car?”

“That would certainly be a relationship-ender, no?”

“Eh, I’m really more of a cat person.”

“I’m going to pretend that I didn’t hear you say that.”

“Do what you need to do. This sounds like someone heard ‘More Than Words’ a decade ago and tried to rewrite it from memory.”

“Oh, now it’s in color. Maybe they’re working their way through the decades.”

“Why does he look so much sleazier in color?”

“Hm? Sorry, I fell asleep because this song is _so incredibly boring_.”

“I appreciate that they’re not trying to distract from the song with dancing and seizure-inducing light shows…”

“Although in this case it might have helped perk things up a bit.”

“Exactly. Is he going to reveal his misstep in the bridge?”

“…Apparently.”

“You know, I think it’s possible that he should have been there for her.”

“That’s a _very expansive_ ‘thing’ for him not to have done. That’s like saying ‘I vacuumed the whole house, except for the floors.’”

“My god this is boring.”

“I feel like I’m being hit on by a poli sci grad student.”

“That is oddly accurate. If he’s old enough to be a grad student. How old do you think he is?”

“Oh god, I don’t think I want to know.”

“According to Google, he was born in _1994_.”

“Just kill me. Kill me right now.”

“I couldn’t bear to harm a single, immaculately-groomed hair on your head, love.”

“So he’s twenty-one—“

“Twenty.”

“— _twenty,_ and what was _I_ doing when I was twenty?”

“Cage dancer at a go-go club?”

“In your dreams.”

“Only the good ones.”

“Argh, first he said he _always_ did everything for her, then he said he _didn’t_ do everything for her, and now he’s saying he _nearly_ did everything for her. This is driving me nuts. _Make up your mind_.”

“The changing lyrics represent his evolving thought process.”

“Yeah, well, he should have figured things out _before he wrote the fucking song_ , since this isn’t an _improv show_.”

“How much better would it be if it _were_ , though? ‘Okay, Russia, your genre is ska and your topic is sausages. And… go!’” 

“I would watch that. I would so watch that.”

“Is it over? Oh, thank god, it’s over.”

“That was really boring. My parents would love it.”

“Poor showing, Cyprus.”

“It sounded like a song for a first dance at a wedding. If you ignore the lyrics.”

“‘Ignore the lyrics’ is good advice in general.”


	13. Australia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I disappeared for a few days! Actual life stuff got in the way. But I'm back now.

“Okay, now, I _know_ Australia isn’t in the European Union.”

“It’s a long story, but the gist of it is that Australia, for some reason, _loves_ Eurovision.”

“Good start. He has a great voice.”

“Cute, too.”

“He just got, like, fifty percent less attractive when he put that hat on, though.”

“I like his suit.”

“Of course you like his suit.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“That he’s dressed like a gay 1940s gangster.”

“Is that how I dress?”

“I think that’s how you _think_ you dress.”

“I think I’m supposed to be insulted by the direction this conversation is going.”

“And are you?”

“What’s that Wilde quote? The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about?”

“Speaking of which, let’s talk about this song.”

“It’s rather funky, yes?”

“It sounds like an actual song. But what’s with all of these countries appropriating American music styles? His accent doesn’t even sound Australian.”

“So, what, every Eurovision song should be played on the accordion and sung in an unintelligible language?”

“I don’t know, it’s just weird to me that the _Euro_ vision song contest would be so Americanized.”

“Perhaps you’re just being ethnocentric in identifying all of this music as Americanized.”

“God, _again_ with the dropped-crotch skinny pants. Is the dropped crotch so that you can wear skinny pants without your junk being on display?”

“Is that why you resent it so much? You’re desperate to be able to see his junk?”

“I’m not desperate to be able to see _anyone_ ’s junk. It’s not exactly difficult for me to get men to drop trou.”

“Your skills are many and varied.”

“God, it’s bothering me viscerally. I just want to tug his pants up.”

“Up? Not down?”

“Down would also be acceptable, but the current state of affairs is intolerable.”

“Trousers aside, this is an enjoyable performance.”

“Cyprus kid is _really_ glad he didn’t have to go on after this.”

“I hope whichever country is next doesn’t have a ballad lined up. For their sake and for ours.”

“The men are supposed to be dressed like gangsters, right? So is that woman dressed as… a prostitute?”

“Perhaps she is a gangster’s moll?”

“What _is_ a moll, anyway?”

“I have no idea. I think it might be a prostitute.”

“With the street lamps and the assorted ‘gritty’ costumes, the aesthetic here is kind of Adult Sesame Street.”

“So this song would teach what, time words?”

“Right, you learn what ‘tonight’ and ‘tomorrow’ mean. They should really work ‘yesterday’ in here too, for completeness.”

“A strong ending to a very capable entry.”

“That was really good. That could win, right?”

“It could. Which would be impressive, Australia winning in its first year.”

“I think I actually unproblematically enjoyed that song.”

“Good song, good voice, good stage presence. No complaints here.”

“If not for the pants, it would have been perfect.”

“To be fair, most things would be improved by eliminating the pants. Say, you know what would spice up this Eurovision party?”

“Don’t even think about it.”

 


	14. Belgium

 

“Now _this_ looks promising.”

“What, minimalist futuristic dancing?”

“Yes. Belgium appears to be playing to its strengths, combining Teutonic sparseness with Gallic elegance.” 

“Shouldn’t he be in school right now?”

“Let’s see… he’s 19, so quite possibly.”

“For chrissakes, he’s a _baby_. You’re not allowed to perv on him.”

“Why am _I_ automatically the one who would perv on him?”

“Because he’s your type, and you have no shame.”

“My type?”

“You know, skinny and intense.”

“My, we’re self-centered today, aren’t we.”

“Ugh, shut up, let’s just listen to this.”

“His accent is adorable.”

“We’re gonna rop bop bop tonight?”

“The trilled Rs suggest that it’s a euphemism for something dirty.”

“I don’t know, it could be Dutch for ‘clean the ceiling fans.’”

“I’m rather sure the Dutch have more exciting things to sing about than household chores.”

“On the contrary, I think if you’re high enough, cleaning the ceiling fans could be a really absorbing topic.”

“Ooh, nice chorus. He’s really belting it out now.”

“I’m enjoying this so far. This is like if Adele were bitten by a radioactive Lady Gaga. Whoa, check out that spin.”

“He’s like a little Belgian Whirling Dervish.”

“That sounds like some kind of pastry.”

“Ooh, it sounds like a _delicious_ pastry. I am trademarking that name once I’m sober. Write it down in your notebook before I forget.”

“I’m not wasting paper on that.”

“Oh, so doodling AK47s is a valuable use of your paper, but recording my brilliant inventions is not?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Of course not. He appears to be lying on the floor now. Has someone checked to make sure that he’s all right?”

“Is he seizing? Someone needs to call an EMT.”

“Ah, he’s been reinvigorated by the prospect of rop-bop-bopping tonight.”

“‘The wicked ways down below’ sounds like a euphemism for an STI.”

“As in, ‘I have to notify everyone I’ve slept with since December that I have a case of the wicked ways down below’?” 

“Exactly. I want to reach into the television and adjust his flipped-up lapel. It’s making me twitchy.”

“It seems to be making him twitchy as well. Don’t rip your face off, Loïc! It’s adorable!”

“I’m pretty sure ‘adorable’ isn’t what he’s going for.”

“Well, you’re the one who told me I can’t perv on him.”

“This is so European it should be coated in marzipan.”

“This may be the only song that could successfully follow up Australia’s entry. It’s fab.”

“Yeah, I’d totally listen to both of these songs again.”

“You will regret saying that when I make you a Eurovision mix CD.”

“You manage to make me regret most of the things I say to you.”

“Awwww, his soft little voice when he said ‘thank you’!”

“He’s an adorable baby badass. I want to adopt him.”

“Get in line.”

 


	15. Austria

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently in one of my comments yesterday I gave the impression that I was considering stopping this project. Fret not; I will see this through to the end! I'm halfway done, after all.

 

“The host country! Expectations are high.”

“Annnnd the expectations have already been dashed.”

“Ugh, another ballad.”

“I see long hair and a fedora. This is not promising.”

“I am reserving judgment until the lighting improves.”

“There you go.”

“…They should have kept the backlighting.”

“The way he’s staring at the camera is creeping me out.”

“Is he blind? I think he might be blind, darling.”

“Well then I’d feel terrible about saying that his gaze creeps me out. But I don’t think he’s blind. It would explain that hat, though.”

“Perhaps the hat is covering up a bald spot.”

“Oh god, I didn’t think the long hair could get worse, but imagining that all of that is growing out of the sides of his head is _so much worse_.”

“We’ve entered the first chorus without any genre shift. Unfortunately.”

“This sounds like a thousand other songs that have been written in the past twenty years. Pounding major chords on the piano, crooning about love. He has a nice voice, I guess.”

“Austria’s thought process: ‘Last year we won with someone with long hair and a beard, so…’”

“Is that one of the Weasley twins playing the drums?”

“And Ringo Starr playing the guitar?”

“All of these guys have truly dire hair situations going on. I want to lock them in a room with a barber and a straight razor.”

“The main bloke’s hair looks quite shiny and clean, though.”

“I bet he has a _really_ bad case of hat hair going on under that thing, though.”

“What an image.”

“Whoa, flaming.”

“Really? He seems one of the butcher ones we’ve seen so far.”

“No, literal flaming. The piano.”

“Ah, so it is. What a waste of a perfectly good piano.”

“To be fair, this song was a waste of a perfectly good piano even before they set it on fire.”

“I’d be concerned if I were him. All that hair next to an open flame.”

“Not to mention the synthetic fabrics.”

“They’ve been doing a lot of close-ups on his face for some reason. I suppose because nobody is dancing.”

“When the camera pulls away from his face are we going to see the other band members roasting hot dogs over the piano?”

“I think you mean _Wieners_.”

“…”

“Get it? Because they’re in _Vienna_? It was a pun.”

“It was barely a pun.”

“Ah, he’s abandoned the flaming piano, presumably for safety reasons.”

“Interesting how the piano doesn’t drop out of the song, though.”

“Perhaps it’s one of those self-playing pianos.”

“One of those self-playing piano slash open-pit barbecue combos.”

“Mmm, we should go out for ribs.”

“Sure, we can do that in three weeks, when this show is finally over.”

“I’m holding you to that, pet. Let the record show that Arthur hereby promises to take Eames out for ribs once the Eurovision Song Contest is over.”

“Hey, I didn’t say I’d _pay_.”

“I bought drinks!”

“You bought Mike’s Hard Lemonade.”

“And?”

“And I’m not a seventeen-year-old girl, so Mike’s Hard Lemonade does _not_ count as buying me a drink.”

“Should I be concerned that you apparently know about the drinking habits of seventeen-year-old girls?”

“I was once a seventeen-year-old boy. Contrary to popular belief, I got invited to parties. Man, these guys are dressed like they think they’re the fucking Rolling Stones.”

“Everything about this performance has been too exciting for the song. It’s incongruous.”

“It’s like if Hootie from Hootie and the Blowfish grew a mohawk.”

“This is a perfectly serviceable song, but it hasn’t stood out in any way.”

“Yeah. Totally generic. Oh good, it’s over.”

“Quick, someone extinguish that piano!”

 


	16. Greece

“Ah, Greece. The birthplace of Western civilization.”

“Is that a point _for_ or _against_ them when it comes to Eurovision, though?”

“I’m already bored.”

“Is this English?”

“I genuinely can’t tell.”

“This woman _really_ wants to be Celine Dion.”

“All right, I’m somewhat sure it’s in English.”

“This barely even has a melody.”

“She’s trying quite hard, though.”

“Oh, I don’t doubt her enthusiasm. She’s chewing the scenery so hard she’s going to need dental work.”

“But enthusiasm can only go so far.”

“This woman looks like she humblebrags a lot.”

“Oddly, I know what you mean.”

“Her friends love her but they meet once a month without her so they can have a gripe session about her.”

“It’s appropriate that they’ve selected a woman with very bad asthma to sing about having ‘one last breath.’”

“Yeah, she really needs to move her mouth away from the microphone.” 

“It sounds like a phone call from a creepy stalker.”

“This song is so boring I can’t even tell when the verse ended and the chorus began.”

“Perhaps they’re experimenting with song structure and the entire song is just one long bridge.”

“Five bucks says a guy in a hat is going to pop from the background to take over for the next verse.”

“Lord, I hope so. This could use some livening up.”

“…Nope, still just her. Too bad.”

“I feel as though I’m at a uni talent show.”

“Between that neckline and that slit in the skirt, she’s one strong gust of wind away from a serious wardrobe malfunction.”

“Which normally would not be a problem in an indoor setting, but it is strangely windy in this theater.”

“Yeah, they need one of those pantyhose draft-blocker things for the front door.”

“I have a theory that they only bring out the wind machine for the _exceptionally_ boring songs.”

“The wind machine is the Eurovision kiss of death?”

“Precisely.”

“The wind machines just make me think of that scene in _Singin’ in the Rain_.”

“Oh, I love that movie! I had such a thing for Gene Kelly when I was a sprog.”

“Really? I was all about Donald O’Connor. But Gene Kelly _did_ have a fantastic ass.”

“Mm. It’s almost enough to distract me from how _boring_ this song is.”

“Greece is like, ‘we’ll show _you_ austerity measures.’”

“‘We weren’t allowed to budget any money for our Eurovision entry, so we wrote our song by exposing an old Marc Anthony cassette to a strong magnetic field.’” 

“‘And we found our singer by advertising for Celine Dion impersonators on Craigslist.’”

“‘And we created her wardrobe out of decorative cellophane and gaffer’s tape.’”

“‘And we took the piano Austria set on fire and painted it white to cover up the scorch marks.’”

“We’ve been thinking about this song entirely wrong, love. It’s _eco-friendly_.”

“I guess ‘reduce, reuse, recycle’ _was_ most of the process of writing this song.”

“Maybe it’s an environmental awareness anthem!”

“Like, we only have ‘one last breath’ of air left, because we’ve cut down all the trees and the atmosphere’s carbon dioxide levels have reached fatal limits?”

“Yes. She is painting us a picture of a dystopian future in which we have destroyed the Earth.”

“This song is basically _Wall-E_.”

“Somehow we’ve found an angle that makes this song remotely interesting.”

“…Nah, it’s still boring as fuck. But it’s ending, at least.”

“Now _there_ ’s an angle that makes this song tolerable.”

 


	17. Montenegro

 

“This sounds like the theme from Schindler’s List.”

“I assume — and hope — there’s going to be a significant genre shift very soon.”

“‘It’s a sultry Montenegrin night. You are waiting for a stranger. You see the silhouette of a man, his back turned to you. Is that him? Could he be the stranger you await? Slowly, he turns, and…’”

“Good lord.”

“I think this guy is the first person we’ve seen who’s older than us.”

“Well, that’s just depressing.”

“That’s what I’ve been saying this whole time.”

“They’re wasting an awful lot of their three minutes on a boring instrumental intro. Ah, there we go.”

“Is this song in Montenegrin?”

“That’s even gutsier than singing in French.”

“Right? ‘Oh, you _don’t speak_ Montenegrin? _Pardon us_.’” 

“Although frankly it’s a little ridiculous that almost all the songs are in English.”

“It’s the global lingua franca.”

“Yes, but isn’t music supposed to transcend language boundaries?”

“So you’d rather all the songs were in languages you couldn’t understand?”

“Sure. That way it’s like a little mystery, trying to figure out what the hell they’re singing about.”

“Hint: it’s love. Probably.”

“Seems a safe guess. Whatever it is, I can tell that it’s _very dramatic_.”

“A _ha_. We’ve gone disco.”

“Disco by way of the Balkans.”

“And the lights have turned red. Which, as we established earlier, represents sex.”

“Those women are scaring me a bit. They look like they have no time for nonsense.”

“And you’re 99 percent nonsense.”

“Precisely. And now they’re… hopping in circles with their arms straight out to the sides?”

“Between the costumes and the dancing, I’m pretty sure there are allusions to Montenegrin culture being made that we don’t get.”

“This may secretly be some kind of militaristic anthem. They could be declaring war on the rest of Europe, for all we know.”

“The lyrics are actually just, ‘Prepare, Europe! Your blood will water the plains of Montenegro! You shall bow before us!’”

“For some reason I doubt that _Monte_ negro has a lot of plains.”

“Hills, whatever.”

“Now they’re marching and raising their fists in the air. I’m truly concerned.”

“I’m pretty sure that Montenegrin is mutually intelligible with the other Serbo-Croatian dialects. So at least Serbia would know what they were saying.”

“They could be colluding! The 2015 Eurovision Song Contest could be the start of World War III!” 

“From what I’ve seen so far, it’s only a surprise that it’s taken this many years.”

“I prefer to think of Eurovision as a _sublimation_ of aggressive nationalist urges.”

“Like the Hunger Games.”

“Yes, pet, Eurovision is _exactly_ like the Hunger Games.”

“Do you think this guy is, like, Montenegro’s Tom Jones?”

“I’m a bit worried that he’s Montenegro’s _John Mayer_.”

“Remind me never to visit Montenegro.”

“I shall endeavor to prevent it, darling.”

“I’ve definitely said the word ‘Montenegro’ more in the past two minutes than I had in my entire life up to that point.” 

“Then Montenegro have achieved their goal.”

“World domination?”

“Getting someone not currently living in Montenegro to talk about Montenegro.”

“Ah.”

“But that’s step one of the plan for world domination!”

“So performing a totally forgettable song is part of a _strategy_ , you’re saying.”

“Just you wait. You won’t be laughing when the full force of Montenegro’s military is bearing down on your motherland.”

“I think I’ll probably be okay. I have an umbrella.”

“Mm, you wouldn’t happen to have Gene Kelly’s umbrella dance memorized, would you?”

“No, but if you’d like a reenactment of ‘Make ‘Em Laugh,’ I’m your man.”

 


	18. Germany

 

“Oh look, it’s fake Adele.”

“Blinding herself by staring directly into a large floodlight.”

“Is she going to sing the entire song with her back to us?”

“I get the sense that we are supposed to be looking at her arse.”

“What gives you that sense? The fact that her ass is in the dead center of the frame and the camera is zooming in on it?”

“Also, she’s wiggling it a bit.”

“Her hair is making me want a donut.”

“I think I have some leftover malted milk balls somewhere around here.”

“Who the fuck _buys_ malted milk balls? That’s something you get in your Halloween bag and trade for better candy.”

“Fine, if you’re not interested…”

“…”

“…”

“I take it back. Can I please have your malted milk balls.”

“Oh, darling, you’re _always_ welcome to my balls.”

“Shut up and hand over the candy.”

“As you wish.”

“Holy shit, this woman is a _thousand percent_ musical theater.”

“Absolutely.”

“What is it about her?”

“I’d say it’s the complete mismatch between her facial expressions and the song.”

“When she first turned around to face the audience she looked like she was greeting her subjects.”

“‘Bow, puny mortals, bow before me and my pastry head!’”

“I feel like I went to high school with this woman. She played Fantine in the school production of Les Mis.”

“Except this particular woman is probably at least a decade younger than you.”

“Ugh, you’re depressing me again.”

“Well, I’ve already given you my chocolate, love, I don’t know what else I can do.”

“There’s some kind of weird Rorschach thing going on with the background graphics.”

“Ooh, that one looked like my Aunt Mildred.”

“Stop, I don’t want to hear about your creepy subconscious memories from your childhood.”

“Check out those heels.”

“What’s the over-under on her breaking an ankle during this performance?”

“Darling, those are _Louboutins_.”

“I’m sorry, why is _women’s footwear_ the one area of fashion that you’re knowledgable about?”

“I appreciate art. In _all_ its forms.”

“Oh god, not this again. I maintain that a Mapplethorpe print is a totally inappropriate Christmas gift.”

“Yet you still hung it in the guest room.”

“It keeps my parents from staying too long when they visit.”

“Why do we never see the faces of the backup singers? Do you think they’re all horribly disfigured?”

“I bet they totally resent this. They were like, ‘Mom! I’m going to be on Eurovision!’ and they posted about it all over Facebook and now it could be _anyone_ silhouetted against those lights.”

“All of their Facebook friends think they’re compulsive liars now.”

“One thing I do like about this whole thing is that the people actually sing instead of lip-synching to a completely autotuned track.”

“I knew I’d turn you around on Eurovision!”

“I said ‘ _one thing_ I like.’ Would you like me to list my _grievances_ now?”

“No thank you, darling. That might take even longer than this program.”

“Is this woman even German? She sounds like a former Disney child star. Her eyebrow game is on point, though.”

“She seems to have lost an earring.”

“I think that’s just the style kids these days are wearing.”

“Crazy kids.”

“This song was okay, but not great. And a really bad match for the singer. It brought me actual, physical pain when she lapsed into a nasal Britney Spears voice.”

“Would it be relying too much on national stereotypes to say that it was technically proficient but completely lacking soul?”

“I thought national stereotypes were the whole point of Eurovision.”

“True, true.”

“I still want a donut, though.”

“I’ll buy you a donut after you buy me ribs.”

“Fine. I want a Boston Cream.”

“That sounds like a euphemism for a degrading sexual act.”

“You think _everything_ sounds like a euphemism for a degrading sexual act.”

“Well, honestly, _Moscow Mule_?”

“I am never going to Moscow with you.”

 


	19. Poland

“Oh look, they’ve got Greece’s white piano.”

“And lots of flowing white fabric.”

“And flowers. Is this a maxi pad commercial?”

“Either that or a giant TP-ed the stage.”

“The boring lounge piano doesn’t bode well.”

“Yeah, this sounds like elevator music.”

“I believe you mean _lift_ music.”

“Shut up. I wouldn’t have thought I had a stereotype of what Polish people look like, but this woman looks _so Polish_.”

“I think it’s the eyeliner.”

“That sounds about right.”

“She has very expressive eyebrows as well.”

“The German girl could have learned a thing or two about facial expressions from her.”

“Oh, they’re singing about building bridges. Nice job bringing in this year’s theme.”

“Poland is that kid in the class who sucks up to the teacher _really hard_.”

“Poland volunteers to clean the chalkboards every single day.”

“The teacher’s like ‘Did anyone remember to get their permission slips signed?’ and Poland’s hand shoots into the air and it’s like ‘Me! I got mine signed! Look!’”

“Poland covers its work with its hand so that Belarus can’t copy from it.”

“I do like how her costume works with her wheelchair. It’s good design.”

“Unlike this song, which is the most generic thing ever written.”

“I like her, but her voice is a little weak, isn’t it?”

“I suppose, but I’m too distracted by the disconnect between the light, flowy aesthetic and the guttural Polish accent.”

“What is that? Is that old Eurovision footage or something?”

“It must be.”

“Oh my god, Poland, _stop sucking up_.”

“This is making me miss Austria’s ragtag band of misfits.”

“Forget elevator music, this sounds like the theme from an eighties children’s cartoon. But, like, one of the boring ones that you only watch when you’re home sick from school and The Price is Right is over.”

“A show that teaches you valuable lessons about friendship and sharing.”

“It’s called ‘Building Bridges.’”

“I believe you mean ‘Beelding Breedges.’”

“And it’s about a community of happy Slavic trolls who live under bridges.”

“Bridges that they built?”

“No, the bridges they build are purely metaphorical.”

“That’s a bit confusing.”

“Well, the Gummi Bears weren’t gummi bears, either.”

“I’m afraid you’ve lost me again, pet.”

“What do British children watch when they’re home sick from school?”

“Hmm, a lot of Blue Peter.”

“Blue Peter? Now _that_ sounds like a euphemism for a degrading sex act.”

“Hush, don’t ruin my childhood memories.”

“So technically there’s no wind machine, but do the giant images of fabric flapping around count?”

“Hmmm. With those sleeves, I think she’d blow away if they turned the actual wind machine on.”

“She could get some serious speed in that wheelchair. It could be a new extreme sport. Parawheeling.”

“I would watch that.”

“Now I’m picturing a version of the dancing scene from _It’s a Wonderful Life_ , but instead of someone opening up the pool cover, Cyprus turns on the wind machine in order to sabotage Poland, and it ends up _making the performance better_.” 

“I can’t believe I ever accused you of lacking imagination.”


	20. Latvia

 

“Latvia always makes me think of potato pancakes.”

“Your mind is a strange place, darling.”

“Well, maybe I’d be thinking about food a lot less if you’d brought snacks.”

“Next year I’ll remember snacks.”

“Next year we’ll still be sitting here watching _this_ year’s contest. ‘Love injected’? What does that even mean?”

“Would you like to see my love injector?”

“Oh my god, ew.”

“The love injector is my penis.”

“Yeah, got that, thanks. I think I’m liking this song so far.”

“It’s very ethereal.”

“She looks like the offspring of Carey Mulligan and Mindy Kaling.”

“Would you like to know how old she is?”

“ _No_.”

“Fine, fine.”

“Whoa, I was not expecting her to start screaming.”

“I like the juxtaposition, though.”

“Yeah, it’s a nice contrast.”

“If I were wearing a headdress like that, I’m afraid I’d constantly feel like there were bugs on my eyebrows.”

“That’s one of so many reasons you shouldn’t wear a headdress like that.”

“It reminds me of a finger harp.”

“That’s another of the reasons.”

“Katy Perry could learn a thing or two about singing from this woman.”

“I don’t think _lack of education_ is Katy Perry’s problem.”

“True. Check out that arm dancing!”

“She’s super badass. And these are the best graphics so far.”

“I agree. Love the gothic windows and the abstract shattered bits. And the way they pulsate in time with the music.”

“I wish it were all in the service of a better song, though.”

“True, the melody isn’t exactly compelling.”

“If it can even be called a melody.”

“Do you think she’s nailed to the floor? I don’t think she’s taken a single step since the beginning of the song.”

“She’s like one of those cakes with a Barbie shoved into it.”

“I’m afraid I don’t get the reference, having never had a Barbie-themed birthday party.”

“Shut up. My parents didn’t try to enforce pointless gender norms.”

“Have those three people been standing in the background this entire time?”

“I guess so? Apparently I haven’t taken my eyes off the frontwoman this entire time.”

“She’s quite captivating.”

“It’s impressive.”

“Especially for a 22-year-old.”

“ _Dammit_ , Eames!”

“Whoops.”

“If you keep it up I’m gonna have to go back and look at Montenegro’s wizened face in order to make myself feel better.”

“Let’s try to avoid that.”

“I agree. Oh, the song is over already?”

“Look at you, losing track of time.”

“Well, it was a good performance. I really wanted to love it, but the song kind of sucked.”

“Yes, everything but the song was fabulous.”

“Too bad it’s not the Eurovision Graphics, Stage Presence, and General Presentation Contest.”

“That would be quite a mouthful. …Just like—“

“Don’t even think about it.”

“Just like—“

“ _Eames_.”

“Justlikemyloveinjector!”

“Goddammit.”

 


	21. Romania

“That’s a very long list of people involved in the creation of this song.”

“Yeah, this song was apparently written by a committee. Which doesn’t bode well.”

“‘M.A. Stevens’ is a bit of an outlier, no?”

“Could be short for… Stevenescu.”

“Oh, good, he’s singing in Romanian.”

“Right, you and your love of incomprehensibility. What do you think the song is about?”

“The time someone rubbed his lamp and he was finally able to join the human world.”

“I think that joke might be racist but I’m not sure.”

“Speaking of being offensive, we haven’t discussed the fuckability of any of the performers recently.”

“Well, we had a string of female performers and an old dude. And a baby. And… Austria.”

“True. Well…?”

“I feel like if I were Romanian and therefore familiar with Romanian norms of beauty, then yes, I would. But as an American, my answer is no.”

“I think I actually understood that.”

“Then we must be equal levels of drunk.”

“Oh my god, darling, I just realized this is Romania — do you think he’s _a vampire_?”

“…I take it back, you’re clearly drunker than I am. Why are there suitcases?”

“I assume the song is about traveling? Or perhaps they had to come here straight from the airport.”

“Right, this is this guy’s travel outfit.”

“I kind of like the whole ‘cluster of jewels in lieu of a necktie’ look.”

“Eames, don’t even think about it.”

“Hmm, now there are giant black and white projections of children and maps.”

“His facial hair is like… a circle around his mouth.”

“Now who’s drunker than whom? Hmmm?”

“No, this isn’t drunk talk, it’s just… with the bald head he’s like, a mouth and a ring of facial hair and eyebrows.”

“Eloquently put.”

“Shut up. This song _has_ to be about something depressing, right? With all those black and white pictures of kids looking sad? ...Is this song about _genocide_?”

“And if it is, is it _pro-_ or _anti_ -genocide?”

“Now each suitcase has its own black and white picture of a sad kid. Were the kids packed in suitcases? Is that why they’re sad?”

“I wonder if in Romania this counts as hard rock.”

“Wait, this is English. Has this song been English all along?”

“Oh dear. If it has been, then we really _are_ racist.”

“I’m _pretty_ sure it was in Romanian before. But now I can’t tell if it’s still English. I can catch maybe one word out of every ten.”

“I caught ‘you will be the reason.’”

“Yeah, I caught that part too, since he repeats it about a dozen times. To start _what_ all over again, though?”

“Genocide?”

“I think we can rule out genocide as the topic of this song.”

“‘Don’t leave your children behind’?”

“Wait, is this song, like, reprimanding Romanian women who go to other countries to work?”

“Ooh, getting political. A bold move.”

“Like they don’t already feel bad enough! Oh my god, and now they’re showing an actual child.”

“Do you think he’s the singer’s?”

“What, like, the singer is such an attentive parent he won’t even ‘leave his child behind’ when he goes on stage to perform at Eurovision?”

“Oh my god, maybe _the child_ is a vampire!”

“ _Nobody is a vampire_ , Eames.”

“Romania really missed an opportunity to shine, then.”

“I think you mean ‘sparkle.’ Because that’s what vampires do.”

“Right. Boring song.”

“ _Sanctimonious_ song.”

“Same thing.”


	22. Spain

 

“I like the rippling water effect.”

“Ooh, someone went to Party City and picked up a ‘Sexy Little Red Riding Hood’ costume.”

“I could swear we’ve seen this woman already, singing for another country.”

“Eurovision is an endless parade of attractive blond women wearing a lot of eye makeup. They do start to blur together after a while.”

“Wait a second. Is that a… dead body on the stage?”

“Are you asking whether there’s an actor _playing_ a dead body, or whether there is an actual dead body on the stage?”

“I was going for the former, but I would actually be really impressed by this woman’s ‘the show must go on’ attitude if it were the latter.”

“Unless she killed him! Perhaps she wanted the spotlight all to herself. She does look a little murder-y.”

“If that’s the case, she isn’t doing a great job of covering up her footsteps. What with the fact that she’s standing ten feet away and… groping herself?”

“Between the murder and the self-groping, this song is _very_ kinky.”

“Oh, look, Sweden isn’t the only one with magical hands. She’s creating bubbles. And a winter landscape.”

“Not two things I usually associate with one another. But then again, I haven’t spent much time in Spain.”

“Uhoh, Eames, they’ve turned the wind machine on.”

“Oh dear. And not even in the second half of the song, either.”

“I think her train is about to do something interesting, though.”

“That’s actually just a safety precaution, to keep her from falling into the audience.”

“Oh, my mistake, her _entire dress_ flew off.”

“It’s about time someone stripped on stage.”

“What about Serbia?”

“They weren’t wearing slinky glittery warrior princess outfits underneath their white robes.”

“So it wasn’t so much stripping as it was a wardrobe change?”

“Precisely. Someone needs to photoshop lasers shooting out of her hands when she poses like that.”

“Give the internet an hour and I’m sure it will be posted somewhere.”

“HE’S ALIVE! It’s a miracle!”

“He’s not just alive, he’s _vigorously_ alive.”

“He’s not just vigorously _alive_ , he’s vigorously _shirtless_.”

“Points for the eye candy. And the dancing is impressive. The combination of balletic dance movies and stripper boots is throwing me off a little, though.”

“I wish they’d turn the lights on. Oh look, they heard me!”

“Hmmm. Is it weird that I’m mostly concerned that she’s going to dislocate her shoulder?”

“Yes, darling, it’s weird.”

“He just looks so _businesslike_ about the whole thing. Get waxed, show up, toss the singer around a bit, job done.”

“There will be buns for tea.”

“And now he’s creeping away.”

“Into the darkness whence he came.”

“What’s that glowing yellow circle supposed to be?”

“I haven’t the faintest. But she’s shooting lasers from her hands again.”

“Maybe she’s casting spells? Between the fairytale imagery at the beginning and this weird yellow amulet thing I feel like there’s a subplot to this song where she’s a witch. A… Beyoncé stripper warrior princess witch.”

“Quite the résumé!”

“Ouch, ended on a sour note.”

“A solid performance overall, though.”

“Yeah, I don’t really have any complaints, but it didn’t stand out for me. Except in terms of how confused it made me. It sounded like if Shakira did a song for a Bond movie.”

“True. It won’t win, but Spain has nothing to be ashamed of.”

“Except for that guy’s lack of armpit hair.”

“Except for that.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nala has been patiently waiting for the Spain chapter since I started this project, so I hope I did the country justice. ;-)


	23. Hungary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only five more countries to go! I may actually finish this before my cross-country move.

 

“What kind of name is ‘Boggie’? Is it a person or a band? Does it sound less stupid in Hungarian?”

“‘Wars for Nothing’ is not a promising title.”

“Unless they mean it like a weaponry store having a clearance sale. ‘Come and get your wars! Wars for nothing!’”

“Wars for nothing and the chicks for free.”

“Okay, she does _not_ look like someone named Boggie. Boggie should be a large, hairy man.”

“I’m already bored and she hasn’t even opened her mouth yet.”

“Annnnd we’re off to a banal start. ‘Do you know our earth is a mess’?”

“She’s really going out on a limb here, taking the contentious ‘war is unpleasant’ position.”

“Her voice is… not great.”

“I agree. This is a case where a bit of autotuning might have helped.”

“What are the other people standing on the stage for? They seem to be doing absolutely nothing.”

“Well, you know how Eurovision likes its dramatic entrances of secondary performers.”

“I’m having a hard time believing that anything about this performance will be ‘dramatic.’ _Melo_ dramatic, yes. Dramatic, no.”

“…Ah, apparently they are just going to gently join in on the singing, one by one.”

“That’s the _opposite_ of dramatic. That’s like sliding into bed next to someone without trying to wake them up.”

“Boggie’s bed is going to be a bit crowded, then.”

“Wait, now she’s singing about all the eyes that will never see daylight. I don’t really understand how that relates to war. Unless she’s talking about the potential offspring people could have had if they hadn’t died in a war.”

“Let’s not make the mistake of trying to wring meaning out of these lyrics.”

“I’m pretty sure the acoustic guitar in the background was specifically designed to put people to sleep.”

“If we’re all asleep, we can’t kill each other!”

“So it’s actually a very clever covert weapon.”

“This is essentially the Hungarian version of ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas?’”

“I guess at least this song is slightly less condescending. And doesn’t paint the entirety of Africa as a third-world shithole full of primitives.”

“Doesn’t _yet_. Let’s not raise our hopes too high just yet.”

“Are those… automatic rifles?”

“Someone’s nephew learned how to do 3D rendering last week!”

“Having automatic rifles dancing around in the background during an anti-war anthem seems a little off-message to me.”

“I believe they’re forming a tree. It’s _symbolic_.”

“It looks like a mushroom cloud. Also, guns can’t turn into trees; they’re not biodegradable.”

“You’re a stickler for technicalities at the strangest times, love. But it _does_ look like a mushroom cloud.”

“Boring boring boring.”

“I want to say this is the most boring one so far, but I’ve already forgotten all the previous boring ones, so I’m unable to compare.”

“I feel like this song has already been going on for an hour.”

“She raises a good point when she asks whether a person deserves to die ‘for having a face someone can’t stand.’” 

“Were these lyrics written by a sixth-grader for his social studies class?”

“Oh, they’re breaking it down. And by ‘breaking it down’ I mean walking slightly closer together while staring dead-eyed at the cameras.”

“God, it’s like watching a college a capella group perform.”

“Or the second-to-last song in an off-Broadway musical.”

“So fucking boring. How did this make it into the finals?”

“They coasted in on the political vote. You can’t vote against the anti-war anthem.”

“I miss Belgium. Can’t they just have Belgium perform again?”

“If Belgium wins, they’ll perform again.”

“That’s going to be _years_ from now. We’ve been here so long I can no longer remember what the sky looks like.”

“I think it’s blue. But this backdrop suggests it’s the color of an old bruise.”

“Oh thank god, it’s over. The audience is cheering because it’s over, right?”

“I’d wager everyone in the audience is so drunk that they don’t even know which direction the stage is in.”

“Why aren’t _we_ that drunk? Oh right, because you bought teen-girl booze.”

“An error I will never again make, believe me. Next time it’s Bacardi Breezers all the way.”

 


	24. Georgia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long! Was dealing with life stuff, both good and bad. Back on the horse now, and I'm ready to ride it to the finish line!

“YES. This is what we’ve been waiting for.”

“Are you seriously rubbing your hands together like a supervillian?”

“Look! Fog! Lo-fi synthesized violin! An apparent electrical storm! …A goth!”

“Feathered epaulets?”

“Now you’re getting it!”

“Did she just say she’s a wire ocelot?”

“I’ll venture a guess that you misheard that.”

“She looks kind of like Cher. If Cher were a 17-year-old girl who wrote poetry rhyming ‘despair’ with ‘never care.’”

“She probably was, at one point. D’you think that headpiece has hinges, or do they pop it on like a socket joint?”

“I think they left it around her head when she was a child and let her grow into it. Like one of those weird-shaped squash.”

“You are so very smart, darling.”

“I am, but I’m also slightly offended and concerned that what made you realize it was an analogy to weird-shaped squash.”

“I had suspected it before, but your squash analogy was confirmation.”

“Did she say she has steel socks in her mind?”

“Once again, probably not the actual lyrics.”

“Those shorts are a recipe for a yeast infection.”

“I think it’s safe to say that nothing she’s wearing breathes particularly well.”

“Bad workout clothes.”

“Though her outfit does rather resemble a superheroine costume.”

“A superheroine costume designed by a man, you mean.”

“Are you saying she can’t fight crime in thigh-high spike-heeled boots?”

“No, but I’m saying she could probably fight crime more _efficiently_ in a comfortable pair of gym shoes.”

“Oh my god, wings, this just reached peak goth.”

“See, Armenia, _this_ is how you do over-the-top drama.”

“For all over-the-top drama, though, isn’t this weirdly boring?”

“It’s a little repetitive, I’ll grant you.”

“What would her superhero name be? GothGirl? The Raven?”

“Oooh, she should be ‘Thrush’! Get it? Because of the bird thing and the yeast infection thing?”

“You call yeast infections ‘thrush’?”

“Yes?”

“That’s so weird.”

“It sounds a lot better than _yeast infection_.”

“Do you say ‘I have thrush’ or ‘I have _the_ thrush’?”

“Ideally, I say neither.”

“‘Thrush’ sounds too much like ‘thrust.’”

“You could use that as the basis for a tongue twister. Such as… the third thrust thrusts thrush.”

“The third thrust trusts— thrusht— that is a surprisingly good tongue twister.”

“That’s what he said!”

“Oh, come on, you’re the one who brought up tongue twisters first!”

“When have you _ever_ known me to resist the opportunity for a double entendre?”

“When you’re unconscious. _Sometimes_.”

“What can I say? I’ve trained my unconscious mind well.”

“You know, I think I actually hope this girl _isn’t_ older than twenty.”

“Yes, this level of goth is really only acceptable if you’ve been a teenager within the past year.”

“I think whoever that is put her fake eyelashes on upside-down.”

“Mm, yes, it’s very inconvenient to have fake lower lashes when you begin weeping mercury.”

“She should probably see a doctor about that.”

“Or consider switching contact lens brands.”

“Now she’s crying ink instead of mercury?”

“It represents the alchemical transformation of the creative process. From emotion to the written word.”

“It represents the time her Gelly Roll pen leaked all over her poetry journal.”

“I’m sure that was a very emotional time for her!”

“This song is fine, but kind of generic. I put it in the 70th percentile.”

“I’ll go with 80th, because of the unabashed over-the-top nature.”

“You _would_ give extra points for being over-the-top.”

“That’s not the _only_ —“

“Spare me the double entendre about being over the top.”

“Fine, but only because I know that now you can’t help but think about it. It has become the elephant.”

“Yes, Eames, your implied stupid gay sex joke has become the elephant.”


	25. Azerbaijan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you enjoy my Eurovision snark, you might enjoy following along as flosculatory and I [liveblog "This Means War"](http://www.24liveblog.com/live/1296525) tonight!

 

“‘Hour of the Wolf’? Should we be worried?”

“We should be the _opposite_ of worried.”

“Which is?”

“…Intrigued?”

“‘I hold my breath, I’m on the edge.’ Already I know too much about this guy’s kinks.”

“Ooh, we’re in another spooky forest. And _this_ one is experiencing a total lunar eclipse. Which, as we know, is the spookiest of the celestial events.”

“…What the hell? Is that supposed to be a werewolf?”

“Or that bloke’s sex slave.”

“The writhing around on the floor in a collar really isn’t narrowing it down. Man, and I thought I knew too much about this guy’s sexual proclivities _before_.”

“There’s another one! I think it’s a she-wolf!”

“As we all know, werewolves wear sweatpants and have platinum blond hair.”

“At least the Azerbaijani ones do.”

“Um, is she okay? What is she _doing_?”

“…Tripping?”

“Tripping as in falling, or tripping as in on acid?”

“…Both?”

“I think it’s just modern dance.”

“Modern dance channeling the spirit of a wolf.”

“But _why_ are there werewolves? Is this song _about_ being a werewolf?”

“I think it might be about being _chased_ by werewolves?”

“The werewolves don’t really seem all that interested in him, though.”

“Nor he in them.”

“Right, he’s surrounded by dancing werewolves and he’s just calmly singing this super boring song. I’d probably be a little more concerned if I found myself in the middle of a werewolf mating dance.”

“I wonder how many pornos begin with that premise.”

“I know the use of ‘hour’ in the song title is poetic, but I can’t help hearing it as a specific measure of time. Like, 2am to 3am is the Hour of the Wolf.”

“It’s like Happy Hour, except you’re more likely to get fleas.”

“In my experience, the Hour of the Wolf mostly consists of eating cold pizza and watching infomercials. Wait, wouldn’t a lunar eclipse actually be the one time during the full moon that werewolves _don’t_ transform?”

“I must confess, love, I’m not up on my werewolf science.”

“You know, now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure that’s actually a _solar_ eclipse. A lunar eclipse doesn’t look like that.”

“Eurovision’s in-house astronomer is really falling down on the job tonight.” 

“These two are really good dancers, but, like, the dancing doesn’t go with the song _at all_ , and also the song itself is terrible.”

“I get the sense that he won’t sleep tonight.”

“Because he’s being chased by werewolves.”

“Or because the werewolves are keeping him up with the sounds of their lovemaking.”

“Oh my god, that’s the worst use of the word ‘lovemaking’ that I’ve ever heard. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.”

“And I haven’t even told you about wolf penises yet!”

“ _You are never telling me about wolf penises_.”

“You see, they have this thing called a ‘knot’—“

“STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. Why do you know about this?!”

“I read the Internet.”

“You barely know how to use a computer! You Google ‘gmail login’ to get to your e-mail!”

“I know how to use a computer for the _important_ stuff.”

“Let’s change the subject. Immediately.”

“Uhoh, things are turning red.”

“Werewolf attack!”

“Werewolf _sex_ attack! Now _this_ is what Eurovision is all about.”

“It’s like if your cousins started their own Cirque du Soleil.”

“Werewolf Sex Attack would be a good name for a band.”

“But not a good name for _this_ band. This guy doesn’t deserve a name that exciting.”

“He’s like a vacuum of charisma.”

“How is he managing to make a song about werewolves _boring_?”

“The dancers should have defected and joined the previous act instead. Georgia had the goth they deserve.”

“Wait, wasn’t Armenia _also_ vaguely goth? What’s with the Caucasus? Are they like this every year?”

“No, but now that you mention it, Azerbaijan did have a bloke trapped dramatically in a lucite box a few years ago.”

“…You really weren’t kidding about this year’s Eurovision not being up to snuff in the weirdness department.”

 


End file.
